Ok, funny (and ridiculously long) title right? Well, for once, there is a meaning behind it. So, this weekend I went home, and it was great. Saw the family, went to the Cooper Young festival in Memphis... Super fun times. While I was home though, we had the Countrywood Garage Sale, and my parents were getting rid of everything that they didn't want to move, but not before I got to go through everything that I wanted for when I graduate in December (which we don't talk about!). It was weird seeing so many things that have been in our house forever go to someone else. There were so many things that had no meaning what-so-ever, and then a few things that have been around since before I can remember. The other hard part about this weekend was that I also had to start cleaning out my room. Now understand, that this room has been my cave, my sanctuary since I was 11, when my brother and I switched rooms. Yes, it is small, with very little closet space, and the room I had before was HUGE with a walk-in closet. But this room was all mine. It is purple, with a purple plaid bead spread, a white iron bed bed, and kayaking and mountain pictures COVERING all the doors and most of the walls. There are shelves on two of the walls and they are also covered with picture frames of me and my friends from high school and before (but I don't talk about those times, and there are NO pictures being circulated! Bad Bad Bad!!!). This room is me from top to bottom. As I was starting to clean, and tear down everything off of my walls to throw away, and dusting and doing all of the things I hate, I found all of my old journals. I mean ancient. So I started to look through them, and I discovered a few things.
I am not that person anymore, and I don't know where she went. The journals dated back to pre-high school, up until the present. The person in those notebooks was someone who didn't really have a clue about the world, but was open to anything. Was self conscious, shy, and didn't really know how to stand up for herself. She weird, in a way that is endearing to me now, but I don't know how things went over then. I don't know how many people truly understood who that girl was, or where she was coming from, or even why she was there.
Now I realize, that the person I was then is not who I am now, but she set me up to be this way. She allowed me to be open to everything I have experienced in the last three years, to be open to new possibilities, and to be myself no matter the situation. I came to college an unhappy person, and I didn't want to stay here at all. But I did, because I don't give up, and I don't give into peer-pressure. I am just me, and if people don't like that, I have stopped caring. I'm ok putting myself out there, in most respects, but I am still kinda wary about letting people get too close, or letting myself fall too hard. I've had to pick myself up from falling for someone too many times, so I never get too deep into anything. That is probably the only thing that I would change: That I would trust myself, and others, more. Not everyone is out to hurt me. It's the hardest thing to learn. But that girl has also allowed me to be here in Knoxville, but also be ready to get away, to move somewhere new and start over again. That person that I was molded me into who I am, unknowingly, an I am forever grateful for her.
(ok, so this was a little lame, but I just had some " ah ha!" moments over the weekend... and Sam told me to post!!!)
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