One hell of an adventure

So... it's almost that time.  My time in Wyoming is nearly up, and I am as stressed as I've ever been.  I keep telling myself it's a good thing I've already had shingles, because now would be perfect for me to get it.  I feel like the field that I'm attempting to make a career in is not for me, but it's far too late in the game to change that, and I do want to pursue it.  It may be hard since the professor that I've had for my GIS classes likely thinks I'm a dumbasss and an emotional mess at this point, but whatever.  I just have to get through one defense tomorrow, finish a spatial modeling lab, edit an annotated bibliography, do a short writeup for the python code I've been working on, and actually finish the code (those last four things are for the one class I'm taking).  I'm almost there... so close I can see the light.

Next Thursday I pack all my worldly belongings into a trailer, and on Friday afternoon I head east, and then south, as fast as my 1996 Jeep and a full trailer will carry me... which is only 55mph, but whatever.  It's faster than I have been going to leave Laramie.  And I am ready to leave this place- it's been fun, and sometimes it's sucked, and I've been pretty lonely, but it's definitely been an adventure.  I've gotten to see and do things I never thought I would, and it's shown me that I want to stay in the West, at least for a  couple more years (but first, must get a job).  I've also learned a lot while out here- like the kinds of climates I like (not Laramie- it's too cold and windy, but I do like snow; and not the South- it's too hot and humid there.  I realize I've now discarded the majority of the United States), the kinds of outdoorsy things I can and/or are willing to do, and the people that matter in my life.  There's nothing like moving half way across the country to learn who your friends really are (probably my toughest lesson as I want everyone I love to love me the same, but that isn't how life works).

So, it's definitely been an adventure, and not one I regret.  I thought I regretted coming out here and leaving the South, but really I don't.  It got me out of the box that I was in in Atlanta and showed me that I can survive somewhere else.  It also taught me I'm not quite ready to head back there either- I'm finally ready for a new adventure somewhere else.  I guess I'll have to see where I end up, but hopefully it's on this side of the country :)

My biggest fear

For many years, I've always said that my biggest fear was tearing my ACL, which is still a very real fear of mine, because I'm just not sure that I'm strong enough of that I love ultimate enough anymore to come all the way back (or my version of "all the way back") from something like that. 

But really, as I've come to realize over the last year or so, is that my biggest fear is that I'll return south, but specifically Atlanta, because I'll never find people here like I have there.  It seems dumb, but it is what it is.  I am so afraid that I'll never find the friends that I have there (I do love my roommates here- they're the closest thing I've got right now) in Wyoming, or out west at all.  And I realize that I live in Laramie, so there are lots and lots of people that are WAY younger than me, so that makes it hard, but I've always been able to make friends in a new place within 6 months.  This time, it took over a year, and it's just a few people.  Am I going to have to go back to Atlanta to be comfortable and have people that know me or to even find a guy that I find interesting enough and attractive enough?

That's the fear- that after all the time I spent wanting to live in the west, and all the time and effort I put into getting out here, that I'll fail in the social department and never be happy until I'm back South.  I mean, I want to end up there eventually, but not just yet.  I'm afraid that I'll get my version of a dream job back in TN or GA, and I'll say yes without even looking further.  Ugh....

Season Schizophrenia

I know, all four of you that read this may be wondering, what in the hell Loopy?  But I have come to the decision that I am suffering from season schizophrenia.  This past Wednesday I woke up, and was just kinda pissed.  At what specifically, I don't know, but I was just in a bad mood from minute 1 that I was awake.  I tried on about five or six things, and the best I could come up with was jeans, walabees, a t-shirt, and a pull-over fleece.  I looked terrible, and I didn't care.  I was completely apathetic towards life and school.  Later in the day I realized that my mind was saying, screaming "IT'S THE BEGINNING OF FEBRUARY!  IT'S TIME TO START BREAKING INTO SPRING, GET THOSE SANDALS AND SHORT SLEEVE SHIRTS OUT AND PUT UP THE COATS AND SWEATERS!!!!"  All I wanted was spring- a good ol' southern/east coast style spring.  One where yes, there high chance of getting a snow day here and there, but there's also the possibility that it's going to be 70 degrees and sunny- so warm that one almost thinks about wearing shorts.  Skirts come out, sandals are thrown on, and a light jacket or cardigan are just barely necessary during the day.  I love those days- crisp yet warm, beautiful with the bluest sky you'll see all year.  My body and mind were telling me that it is time for spring.

Unfortunately Laramie has a different idea.  Thursday night it started snowing, it snowed into yesterday, and a little bit this morning.  Yesterday I ended up having to walk around in it due to going to and from the gym for a non-existent indoor practice, and it was beautiful.  Laramie had that muffled quality that snow gives, where the world is quieter than it should have been, and everything was white and sparkled.  It wasn't terribly cold, so it was pleasant and beautiful.  I love walking when it's snowing, when it just falls from the sky straight down.  I think being a southern kid kinda makes me love it more than most of the people out west, but I can't help it.

And this is where the season schizophrenia comes in- as much as I want spring to get here (even though it's MONTHS away still here), I enjoyed the snow yesterday and today.  I guess I want a little bit of both, but my southern mind is telling me it's spring and Laramie is saying something very different.  Stupid season schizophrenia.

A year in Review

I want to first thank Girl Sam for the inspiration for this post and many others this past year.  She has been so open and honest about who she is and what she's been through in the last year or so.

This is about how different things have been over the last year for me.  Every four months or so I changed location and what I was doing, so it was a whirlwind of a year.  I started the year with a drive across the country from Wyoming to D.C.  I had only been in Laramie since August 2010 and I was already packed and headed across the country to work for National Geographic.  The opportunity was once in a lifetime, and I took it for everything it was worth.  I loved working there and the people were amazing.  The people I met and the connections made were ridiculous, and the only thing that came in second was the things I got to see and events I was able to work and attend there at head quarters.  I lived in DC proper which was a totally different experience than anything I had ever done, and was able to get reacquainted with many friends from the past and got to know new ones along the way.  I loved when Rob came to visit and we got to have a complete weekend with Auburn kids and ex-Atlanta people.  I was able to play frisbee with two ex-Tennessee girls and that was one of my favorite things all semester.  I think the best thing though was getting to be around my brother so much, something that hasn't happened in years.

Unfortunately all good things had to end, and before I knew it it was the end of April and my Jeep was once again packed to the gills and I was driving south for a summer in Atlanta.  I spent the majority of the summer working at an after-school turned summer-day-camp program in Morningside.  There were days that I hated it and days that I loved it.  I think the loved days outnumber the hated days, but that's questionable.  I got to play frisbee with my favorite people (Stranger Danger forever!) and we did well- really, really, REALLY well.  We were ranked 2 in the league at one point, which is no small feat in the AFDC.  I didn't actually play in either tournament, but whatevs- weekday stuff was the most fun.  I made my 9th trip to Poultry Days (it's a marathon, not a sprint) and am already looking forward to a 10th trip and a 5th tournament with nooga folks.

But once again, it was over and I loaded up my car to bursting (all the other stuff plus a bike!) and headed back to Laramie for my second semester of graduate school.  I moved back into my apartment, got settled officially and permanently, and started working and classes.  The semester over all isn't anything spectacular, but I felt a little more at home.  I have people there, or at least we're working towards that, and I'm more focused and committed to working out and eating right than I ever have been (or was before the holidays started).  My goal is to compete in an indoor triathlon in April, so we'll see.  I like running as it turns out, and I already can't wait to get back and get back to training for that.  I want to explore the west some more and hope that my car and my finances will allow for that.

It was a good year in retrospect.  I learned a lot about what I can and can't do, as well as what I will and won't but up with.  I learned who's important and what my goals are for the future.  I am looking forward to lots and lots of adventuring, visitors (hopefully), finishing school, and (finally) having a grown up job.  2012 will hopefully be just as exciting as 2011 was.

If you're thinking of jumping, there's a reason

In the last week, I've had relatively the same conversation with two people.  Ok... one of them was not so much a converstaion as I read her blog and responded... but it still applies.  Both people are thinking about what comes next in their lives, what happens after "x".  One is a friend here in Wyoming that I've played frisbee with and he's thinking about graduate school.  I guess I'm seen as the expert around here on grad school since I'm on my third degree in 10 years, none of which are a Ph.D., as well as the fact that when I got the chance, I moved across the country.  The other friend I think is thinking along the same lines, but has also had a lot of change in her life, and always feels like things are changing.  Both of these friends have likened change to standing on the edge of cliff, looking over the edge, and wonding what will happen if they both jump. 

Talking to both of them has made me think back on the changes that have happened in my life over the last two years.  Two years ago, I was waiting for the economy to stop circling the drain so that I could find a job in Atlanta, getting by on next to nothing, living with family, and playing as much Frisbee as my body and bank account would let me.  I had someone that I loved and trusted decide that she was going to stop being friends with me, which at the time was absolutely devastating.  But honestly, that was kind of the push I needed.  That was the push that shoved me off the cliff,a small cliff, say only 10 ft or so, that I needed to get my life started again.  I was given the opportunity to meet some great people in the Atlanta ultimate scene I don't think I would have met otherwise, and got to play only my second season of club ultimate.  It was great- it was like starting over without having to move.  Those are still some of my favorite people in Atlanta, and I think about them often here in Wyoming. 

That little jump wasn't quite enough though- oh no- I was ready for my adventure!  I decided that if the economy wasn't going to help me move on in life, I was going to help life along.  I was going back to school... again.  This time, for a master's in geography.  I started looking at schools, with the only requirement being that it be a school in the mountain west or in the Pacific northwest.  I wanted something different from Atlanta and the south, I wanted adventures!  I started looking at schools, contacting potential advisors, and quickly narrowed down the schools that were potentials.  I went to a geography conference in Knoxville, and the fates aligned- I met my now advisor who was giving a presentation at the conference.  I had never thought about Wyoming, but why not?  So we talked, and he offered to even recommend some schools for me once I emailed him my research interests.  I did, and we both had quite a few research interests in common, but the schools he recommended for me if Wyoming didn't seem like the place for me were UNC-Charlotte, Mississippi State, and University of Memphis.  Yeah... that wasn't going to work for me.  So, Wyoming it was!  It also happened to be the only school I applied to- so far, in my post-secondary career, I've only ever applied to one school (UT, GSU, and UW).  Fate seems to like me.

So, here I am- and thankfully everything came together just the way it was supposed to- apartment before I moved out here found, funding offered, extra jobs acquired- things fell into place.  And I think that if I hadn't had that shove and then chosen to make the other jump, the big one, things wouldn't have ever changed in Atlanta for me, and I needed the change.  It was scary to take that last big jump, the one that made me leave Atlanta and the safety net I had created for myself there, but it was the right thing for me at the time.  It's still scary sometimes, but if you are standing at the edge of the cliff of change, you're probably ready to make the jump or you wouldn't be peaking over anyway.  I'm glad I jumped, even though sometimes my friends have to talk me down off the emotional cliff (I really like cliff analogies apparently).  The changes have made me appreciate, love, and miss my old life, friends, and family, but not enough to give up this adventure.  Besides, there's another cliff and another decision in a year to make :)

The advice I ended up giving both friends is this:  if you have the opportunity to jump, just jump.  Again, you wouldn't be there if you weren't ready, and if you don't jump when the opportunity arises, you'll regret it later and always wonder "well, what if...?"  You don't know what will keep you in a place later and take away the opportunities that could have been, so never have "could have been"s.  Embrace the changes, learn from the mistakes, and jump.