A year in Review

I want to first thank Girl Sam for the inspiration for this post and many others this past year.  She has been so open and honest about who she is and what she's been through in the last year or so.

This is about how different things have been over the last year for me.  Every four months or so I changed location and what I was doing, so it was a whirlwind of a year.  I started the year with a drive across the country from Wyoming to D.C.  I had only been in Laramie since August 2010 and I was already packed and headed across the country to work for National Geographic.  The opportunity was once in a lifetime, and I took it for everything it was worth.  I loved working there and the people were amazing.  The people I met and the connections made were ridiculous, and the only thing that came in second was the things I got to see and events I was able to work and attend there at head quarters.  I lived in DC proper which was a totally different experience than anything I had ever done, and was able to get reacquainted with many friends from the past and got to know new ones along the way.  I loved when Rob came to visit and we got to have a complete weekend with Auburn kids and ex-Atlanta people.  I was able to play frisbee with two ex-Tennessee girls and that was one of my favorite things all semester.  I think the best thing though was getting to be around my brother so much, something that hasn't happened in years.

Unfortunately all good things had to end, and before I knew it it was the end of April and my Jeep was once again packed to the gills and I was driving south for a summer in Atlanta.  I spent the majority of the summer working at an after-school turned summer-day-camp program in Morningside.  There were days that I hated it and days that I loved it.  I think the loved days outnumber the hated days, but that's questionable.  I got to play frisbee with my favorite people (Stranger Danger forever!) and we did well- really, really, REALLY well.  We were ranked 2 in the league at one point, which is no small feat in the AFDC.  I didn't actually play in either tournament, but whatevs- weekday stuff was the most fun.  I made my 9th trip to Poultry Days (it's a marathon, not a sprint) and am already looking forward to a 10th trip and a 5th tournament with nooga folks.

But once again, it was over and I loaded up my car to bursting (all the other stuff plus a bike!) and headed back to Laramie for my second semester of graduate school.  I moved back into my apartment, got settled officially and permanently, and started working and classes.  The semester over all isn't anything spectacular, but I felt a little more at home.  I have people there, or at least we're working towards that, and I'm more focused and committed to working out and eating right than I ever have been (or was before the holidays started).  My goal is to compete in an indoor triathlon in April, so we'll see.  I like running as it turns out, and I already can't wait to get back and get back to training for that.  I want to explore the west some more and hope that my car and my finances will allow for that.

It was a good year in retrospect.  I learned a lot about what I can and can't do, as well as what I will and won't but up with.  I learned who's important and what my goals are for the future.  I am looking forward to lots and lots of adventuring, visitors (hopefully), finishing school, and (finally) having a grown up job.  2012 will hopefully be just as exciting as 2011 was.

If you're thinking of jumping, there's a reason

In the last week, I've had relatively the same conversation with two people.  Ok... one of them was not so much a converstaion as I read her blog and responded... but it still applies.  Both people are thinking about what comes next in their lives, what happens after "x".  One is a friend here in Wyoming that I've played frisbee with and he's thinking about graduate school.  I guess I'm seen as the expert around here on grad school since I'm on my third degree in 10 years, none of which are a Ph.D., as well as the fact that when I got the chance, I moved across the country.  The other friend I think is thinking along the same lines, but has also had a lot of change in her life, and always feels like things are changing.  Both of these friends have likened change to standing on the edge of cliff, looking over the edge, and wonding what will happen if they both jump. 

Talking to both of them has made me think back on the changes that have happened in my life over the last two years.  Two years ago, I was waiting for the economy to stop circling the drain so that I could find a job in Atlanta, getting by on next to nothing, living with family, and playing as much Frisbee as my body and bank account would let me.  I had someone that I loved and trusted decide that she was going to stop being friends with me, which at the time was absolutely devastating.  But honestly, that was kind of the push I needed.  That was the push that shoved me off the cliff,a small cliff, say only 10 ft or so, that I needed to get my life started again.  I was given the opportunity to meet some great people in the Atlanta ultimate scene I don't think I would have met otherwise, and got to play only my second season of club ultimate.  It was great- it was like starting over without having to move.  Those are still some of my favorite people in Atlanta, and I think about them often here in Wyoming. 

That little jump wasn't quite enough though- oh no- I was ready for my adventure!  I decided that if the economy wasn't going to help me move on in life, I was going to help life along.  I was going back to school... again.  This time, for a master's in geography.  I started looking at schools, with the only requirement being that it be a school in the mountain west or in the Pacific northwest.  I wanted something different from Atlanta and the south, I wanted adventures!  I started looking at schools, contacting potential advisors, and quickly narrowed down the schools that were potentials.  I went to a geography conference in Knoxville, and the fates aligned- I met my now advisor who was giving a presentation at the conference.  I had never thought about Wyoming, but why not?  So we talked, and he offered to even recommend some schools for me once I emailed him my research interests.  I did, and we both had quite a few research interests in common, but the schools he recommended for me if Wyoming didn't seem like the place for me were UNC-Charlotte, Mississippi State, and University of Memphis.  Yeah... that wasn't going to work for me.  So, Wyoming it was!  It also happened to be the only school I applied to- so far, in my post-secondary career, I've only ever applied to one school (UT, GSU, and UW).  Fate seems to like me.

So, here I am- and thankfully everything came together just the way it was supposed to- apartment before I moved out here found, funding offered, extra jobs acquired- things fell into place.  And I think that if I hadn't had that shove and then chosen to make the other jump, the big one, things wouldn't have ever changed in Atlanta for me, and I needed the change.  It was scary to take that last big jump, the one that made me leave Atlanta and the safety net I had created for myself there, but it was the right thing for me at the time.  It's still scary sometimes, but if you are standing at the edge of the cliff of change, you're probably ready to make the jump or you wouldn't be peaking over anyway.  I'm glad I jumped, even though sometimes my friends have to talk me down off the emotional cliff (I really like cliff analogies apparently).  The changes have made me appreciate, love, and miss my old life, friends, and family, but not enough to give up this adventure.  Besides, there's another cliff and another decision in a year to make :)

The advice I ended up giving both friends is this:  if you have the opportunity to jump, just jump.  Again, you wouldn't be there if you weren't ready, and if you don't jump when the opportunity arises, you'll regret it later and always wonder "well, what if...?"  You don't know what will keep you in a place later and take away the opportunities that could have been, so never have "could have been"s.  Embrace the changes, learn from the mistakes, and jump.

checking in

I've had this conversation a few times recently, but it keeps coming back to haunt me, especially when it's me that's giving the advice.  For me and a few other people that I love, we don't live on the same side of the country as our family and a majority of the friends that have been important in the recent past, and this is hard to deal with.  Even though we all realize that we are leading different lives than the people we love and miss from "home", wherever that may be, it's still hard.  And usually, I end up telling or discussing the following in some version:

There are many types of friends, and once a person moves, you realize what kind of friend you have.  There are three kinds:
1) The kind of friend you always keep up with, can check in with, no matter the circumstances.  You talk on a regular basis, keeping up with each others lives by more than facebook.  The person that is always excited to talk to you and you are always excited to talk to.  Both people work for the friendship- and both definitely have to work and both realize this part of the friendship.
2) The kind of friend that you don't have to talk to regularly or check in with, or even at all, and you're still friends.  You and the friend are able to pick up right where you left off the last time, as if no time has gone by and nothing has changed.  You catch up, and things are as they have always been.
3) And then there's the third type- the kind of friend that kind of moves out of your life because neither in the relationship are willing to work hard enough to keep it going.  Sometimes it's gradual and you become more like acquaintances than friends, or it could be that it just stops.  Whatever, but both are OK with this.

I feel like all my relationships fall into one of these three categories (and thankfully anyone that reads this, all three of them, fall into one of the first two), but sometimes, there is the friend that on my end is a Type 1, but for them is clearly a Type 3, and this is the hardest thing for me to handle- when someone I care about doesn't care about me as much or at all.  I've already had one good friend do this to me and we were currently living in the same city!  To have this happen again isn't nearly as devastating because I'm so far away, but it isn't easy.  It makes me want to move back to Atlanta after grad school, but I really feel like that would be a step back for me, and I just don't know how to deal with the conflicting emotions of wanting to be around people that know me, and needing to stay away for the same reasons.  ugh.... being far away is hard.

Oh Wyoming....

I mean really- this place is a bit ridiculous at times.  Mostly with it's weather, but I can't particularly complain about that, as it's basically been fall by my definition for basically the last 6 weeks, and will hopefully continue to do so for the next three at least.  I was thinking the other day that I don't post enough, but honestly I don't always find what I write post-worthy.  But today we'll give it a try. 

I was thinking recently of the different things that make Wyoming a weird place, at least for this southern girl.  I think that part of it is that Laramie makes me claustrophobic after a few weeks and I have to get out and head to Fort Collins or Denver.  It's just nice to be in a place with things like Target and Chick-fil-a every once in a while (and I honestly don't think anyone knows what I would do for a cupcake these days... oh Atlanta cupcake factory, if only you would ship me cupcakes on a weekly basis).  The other thing that is odd here is the fact that people still make fun of me for saying "y'all".  I realize that it isn't technically correct English, but I clearly don't care.  I'm southern... get over it.  I've actually started saying the following when we have to introduce ourselves in classes: "Hi, I'm Caroline.  I'm from the South.  I say y'all, I like my eggs cheesy and my tea sweet".  Seriously- I've said this recently.  The funny looks I get are amazing- I think I love being the weird, eccentric girl from the South :)

The only other thing that's semi exciting in my life is the two hikes I got to go on at the beginning of September (since then GIS has kinda become a time vampire). I went and hiked Medicine Bow Peak over Labor Day weekend, and then the following Friday I hiked the Lakes trail that goes along the base of MBP and by a bunch of pothole lakes. It was beautiful. If anyone comes to visit in months when the roads to these trails are open and the trails themselves are open, this is what we're doing :) Y'all can handle a two thousand foot elevation change in 2 miles right?

 Me at coming down from the peak of Medicine Bow

 Me at the intersection of the Lakes trail and the Lewis Lake Trail and the trail up to the peak.

One of the many pothole lakes

Changing leaves, cooler temperatures, and the smell of Jack and Coke in the air... it must be time for college football

It's that time of year again- Fall.  Crisp cool mornings, cool afternoons, leaves changing to various shades of yellow, red, and orange.  With all these things comes another year, another beginning- the college football season.  It's something I've been thinking of a lot recently, what with various classes I'm taking, getting ready to work the games here in Wyoming, and the regional SEC rivalry back and forth on facebook between my friends that went to competing schools.  I wasn't really into the whole football scene at Tennessee- at some point, I realized I'd rather a) play frisbee or b) just tailgate than go to the game (we were friends with people who had a pretty sweet setup, and that may have played into the fact that staying at the tailgate watching the game on TV was more fun).  I think that I now have a very nostalgic memory of football games in Knoxville because I didn't go to many during my college career and I don't get the chance to go to many anymore for obvious reasons. 

But still- there's something about SEC football that just draws one in.  Tailgating starts no later than four hours before the game (unless it's a morning game... as in before noon, but even then).  In Knoxville, it looks like someone dropped a giant can of paint over it, there is so much orange between the fall trees and the fans.  You'd be amazed at the all the different kinds of clothes that come in Tennessee orange- it's ridiculous.  You'll get everything from dresses, t-shirts, and pants to sear sucker suits for men and women, cowboy boots in orange, and everything else you can think of.  It can be a little overwhelming if you aren't used to it.

Once you start tailgating, you are going to hear complete strangers yell to each other in greeting "Go Vols!", "Rocky Top", or "Go Big Orange!"  It is the same on any college campus.  At Auburn it's "War Eagle!" with a damn thrown in there, at Alabama "Roll Tide", and Ole' Miss "Hotty Toddy".  Each SEC team has it's own fight song, and you'll hear them sung or played enough to make you want to rip your ears off  on game day.  But if that's your school's song, it's an anthem (no matter how terrible your team is... and trust me, Tennessee has been terrible recently).  At Tennessee, you get lucky enough for the campus and stadium to be next to the Tennessee River, so we have the Vol Navy- a collection of Tennessee fans that bring their boats up to the docks next to the stadium and have their own tailgate there.  The rest of us peons must make due with finding places on campus to tailgate, and there are plenty of them thankfully.  You start early, invite lots of people, eat until you bust, drink until you almost can't stand (I mean... you might still have to get into the stadium to find your seats... walking is a requirement, but just barely), and enjoy that which is college football. 

My family has a tendency of not going to the games, but that's only in the last few years.  We just started staying at the tailgate near the stadium and watching the game on Mr. David's TV and Satellite that he had set up, eating free food, and being able to continue partaking in adult beverages while everyone else crowded into a stadium with another 108,000 people.  Me, I'm not a big fan of large crowds in confined spaces anymore (but next time I'm in Knoxville for a game, I will make it into the stadium for at least part of the game!).  The last game I went to a game was UT vs. Bama in 2008, and we tailgated on a different part of campus, and had an absolute fantastic time!  We wandered, saw people, took pictures in front of The Rock and the Torch Bearer, and then made the phone call to a friend to get us some bar stools at Mellow Mushroom.  Thankfully, we knew lots of people that work there, and got the bar seats and a friend that was bar tending.  Honestly, they were probably some of the best seats in town for the game, even though UT lost and my mom was super happy (she's a Bama fan).  We ate, we made up ways to take shots since UT was awful, and people came and visited with us the whole night.  It was great. 

I make it sound like the game doesn't matter but it does.  It's just not what I remember about the falls in Knoxville.  I remember the gatherings before the games, the visiting, and the camaraderie of cheering for one's team at home.  I think that living in Wyoming, where they just don't take their game day quite as seriously makes me miss games in the South.  There's just nothing like an SEC game in the fall. 

Is there anyone out there?

Many times, as I start to write a new post of this terribleness that I like to call a blog, I wonder if anyone actually reads the garbage I put out there in cyberspace.  I mean, it's a legit question.  Is there anyone that does still read this?  If there isn't, I'll know pretty quickly I think, but still.  Every time I go to start a new post, I think what's the point?  Does anyone actually care what I write, if I write?

This summer I switched back over to writing in a journal of some sort, mostly because in it I don't have to censor myself.  I can write what I want, about who I want, and no one's ever going to read it but me.  On here, I almost always censor, and maybe that's why I see what I post here as garbage that no one cares about.  I'm just not strong enough, emotionally, to write whatever I want and not care.  I also know that at some point in my life, a future potential employer could figure out this is connected to me and I certainly don't want anything that could hurt me on here (but let's be honest, as of now I still want to work in a school system, and no school system in the country has the money to cyber track potential employees).

So really- does anyone even care anymore, enough to read this?

OMG... Packing. AGAIN.

I'm so tired to packing.  I dread it every time I have to do it, and every time I have to, I wait until closer to the last minute every time.  Tomorrow will be the fourth time I've packed up all my clothes in a year.  I'll back up my car to it's bursting point for the fourth time in a year on Friday night.  I'll then drive from Atlanta to Memphis, then Memphis to Dyersburg (that's right, the Big D), Dyersburg to Kansas City, then one really, really long day from Kansas City to Laramie.  Through ALL of Kansas and eastern Colorado... PLAINS for something like 10 of the 12 hour day I'll have next Wednesday.  This is the third time I've driven across the country... seriously.

But, when looked back upon, the packing was worth it.  I was given the opportunity to move to Wyoming for grad school, and proved to myself that I can move somewhere that I don't know a soul, live alone (yeah!), and survive on a graduate student stipend.  I was then given the chance to move to DC (not my favorite city), and work for National Geographic- something I never thought would happen.  It was eye opening, met some great people, learning a lot about myself, and learned to spot people that are fake a little easier.  I learned that I do not want to work in a windowless office just yet, I'm super interested in the uses and applications of GIS technology in the 9-12 classroom (ok... nerd alert over), and that riding a bus every morning for 20 minutes is not my fav thing either.  I then decided to come back to Atlanta- have one more summer.  It's been great- it really has- I've played a lot of ultimate (and managed to hurt both my knees), and done a little hanging out.  If leaving Atlanta last year was the hardest thing I've ever done, coming back was the second hardest.  It's not true that you can always come back.  Things were not what I thought they'd be, and coming to that conclusion and then accepting it.  Yet, it's still been a great summer, and I'm glad I came back.

Now, it's time for me to pack back up.  I'm fighting it every step of the way, and tomorrow morning is basically the last chance I get before I just start throwing things into garbage bags and into the car in Friday night.  Packing, while necessary and one of the more unfun experiences of my life, has come to define it as well.  If you need me, I'm probably packing.

Writing = Therapy

I know, it's cliche, but it's true.  Writing can be the best, and cheapest form of therapy around.  I grew up writing in a journal (never a diary... I've never started an entry with "Dear Diary..."), and overall I've continued writing over the years.  There have been large gaps of hiatuses, but in general, writing has always been there for me.  In college I started a blog, and that put a dent in my journal writing, but at some point I realized that I had to sensor myself somewhat when writing things that would be posted on the Internet.  I mean,who really wants to air all their dirty laundry for everyone to read?

Overall, I have noticed, on the rare occasion that I go back and read some of the things I've written over the years (which is a lot and quite embarrassing), that I tend to write the  most often and the most content when I'm unhappy or stressed out in life.  I write almost everyday for the first semester of my freshman year of college.  I had a terrible room mate situation, a terrible time with sorority rush (totally different story), and it took me a while to figure out the whole frisbee thing on a social level- I was 18, didn't start drinking until probably October, and was super socially awkward (and less successful at hiding it than I am now).  I started to write frequently again last year when I moved to Wyoming and hadn't visited, didn't know anyone, and school hadn't started yet.  That fell to the wayside very quickly once I got busy with school, frisbee, assistantship, tutoring, and working out.

Now, I'm back in Atlanta, and I find that I'm writing more often again.  I've had a few people ask me about it, and my response is: "It helps keep the crazies at bay".  I realize that sounds ridiculous, but ask anyone who writes on a semi-regular basis, it's cathartic.  I'm am trying my hardest to keep my crazies to myself this summer, and thankfully, writing has helped.  So, writing = therapy.   

Summer of Zen

This is the summer of Zen.  I know, this sounds ridiculous, but it's the name A.Sal has given my new outlook on life that I'm working on in summer 2011.  Basically it is this: I'm learning to let go of the things I can't change or control.  Same goes for people.  I can't worry about the things I can't change or control.  When I do worry about those things, I drive myself (and everyone around me) absolutely crazy.

When I decided to come back to Atlanta for the summer, I wanted to have a great summer, with none of the drama that goes along with Atlanta.  Hence, the place of Zen plan.  Things are the way the are sometimes, and people are who they are.  I'm not going to waste my time and energy worrying about those things, when I could be having a fantastic second last summer with some of my favorite people that I love.  So there it is.  Summer of Zen.

2nd Last Summer

I get another one- a second last summer in Atlanta.  While this wasn't part of the plan, it is something that worked out just perfectly :)  Atlanta, while hot as the 9th level of hell in the summer, is fabulous.  When I was in DC and people would ask my what I was doing after my internship, my answer was "I'm going back to Atlanta!".  Many times, this was followed with a "Why?  What's so great about Atlanta?"

What isn't great about Atlanta (besides the oppressive heat)?  It's a city of neighborhoods, I know my way around without a GPS (most of the time), I know people here, and the biggest draw- people know me!  And of course, let's not forget about summer league.  I mean really.  So, that's why I came back, and the fact that I don't have anywhere to live in Wyoming until August 1st.  So, job has been acquired and started, summer league team is happening, and mini-vacations have been planned.  I'm working at my preschool from 8-4 with the elementary aged kids, working out, playing summer league, and just enjoying life.  I'm playing summer league (let's be serious here... Atlanta has the best summer league in the country) with Stranger Danger again, and we've picked up some Auburn kids, so that should be interesting and fun.  I'm flying to Poultry Days on Friday, playing in SMUT the last weekend in June, playing in both summer league tournaments, getting to visit my bro in Knoxville some (he lives there now!), and going to Portland for the National Council for Geography Education (NCGE) conference the first week in August.  That's a pretty jam-packed summer, and I'm good with it :)  I am a little sad to miss my mom's family's annual crawfish boil this year, but it's the same weekend as Pdays, and there are very few things I'll miss Pdays for.  Besides, Pdays is my other family reunion.

So... good 2nd last summer.  All this will end on August 15 when I start the drive back to Laramie, with stops in Dyersburg and Kansas City.  It'll be good to be back though- I'm learning that's where my life is these days.  All the reasons I left still exist, so it's a blessing and a curse.  But, if I have to spend the summer somewhere before joining life again, Atlanta is the best place to take a 3 month vaca from it :)

D.C. updates

D.C. updates can be found at http://lifeasadcintern.blogspot.com/. Lame, I realize, and some of the better stories that I cannot share with professors and parents from Atlanta will probably be found here. Otherwise, check the other :)