Looking back

I never thought I was one of those people that looked back. Recently I have learned differently.

When I graduated from high school and moved to Knoxville for school, I did not have the easiest transition, but I made it through a rough month or so of not belonging and living in hell that is Humes (for so many reasons that I am just not going to go into here), I started playing ultimate, and never looked back, only going back to Memphis for breaks and never being in town for longer than three weeks one May and every Christmas. I was in Knoxville more than anyone I had grown up with-- I actually lived in Knoxville during college. I didn't just go to school there.

When I graduated from college in December 2005, I was done. I packed up my teeny-tiny apartment before graduation, I cleaned it, I moved what I needed down to Atlanta in shifts over the course of the months of November and December. I was done, and a few hours after I walked across the stage in Thompson-Bowling Arena, I was outta there. Two days later I showed up in Atlanta, unloaded my car, and then a few days after that I went home for the holidays. In January I started possibly the worst job ever, and since then have gone through many changes (job, life, emotional, ultimate), but I haven't looked back. I was done with Knoxville that day i drove out with my car full and ready to start again.

Since I have moved to Atlanta, I go back to Knoxville occasionally, usually for graduations or ultimate related events. I have only gone back to Memphis to see Lacey and her family, but with my immediate family elsewhere (or should i say, the middle of no where, TN), I had no other reason, and the trees have become more infrequent. I can honestly say that I haven't ever looked back with regret on anything I've done or with longing for something that is no more.

Until this past weekend. This past weekend I drove to Rome, GA for my friend Matt's engagement party. A few things that must be known before I go on:
1) Matt and I grew up together in Memphis. We went to the same high school. We went to the same church. We were on PYC together. And we grew up within five square miles of 95% of the people we also grew up with.
2) Matt falls into my pattern of friends that are of the male persuasion: sarcastic as hell, and yet I continue to be friends with him. What does that actually say about me?
3) No matter what, we can always pick up where we left off from the last time we hung out/talked on the phone.

So yeah... went to the party. I knew four people there: Matt, Brian, and Matt's parents. I've met Matt's fiance before, but I don't know her all that well. So I hung out with Brian and Matt's parents for most of the night (Matt was otherwise engaged). It was awesome, but also really weird. It was good to see two people that have known me since I was in middle school, but at the same time it was really hard (mostly getting a lecture on a life choice). The hardest part was the thought that struck me on the way home though:

I actually miss it.

I miss the people I grew up with. I miss the fact that they have known me for a long time, and know my past mistakes. They know my family. We all share something that my friends since then don't share with me: memories of those super awkward years. Memories of pranks, trips, and Sunday evenings. Of high school. But at the same time, except for a handful of those people I grew up with, they also don't get me now. They don't understand who I am, and many of them don't even care. And that is the hardest part: some get me now, some don't. Some didn't get me then. Yet- I miss that.

Looking back isn't as bad as I thought it was. I used to think to grow and move on in life, that I couldn't look back with fondness on the people and things from my life growing up. I learned that it is OK to look back. It's just hard to come to terms with what looking back reveals about oneself.