Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the word "hate" and what it really means. Dictionary.com defines the word in many ways, but the most basic definition is "To feel hostility or animosity toward, to detest". This is a word that I did not like to use when I was growing up, because I honestly thought that I shouldn't hate people, and at that time I didn't feel that strongly about anyone. Hate is a very strong word, and I always said "I don't hate (insert name here) I just strongly dislike them." Well, in the last couple of months, I've finally come to realize what the word hate really means, and what it feels like. I've been preoccupied with this feeling towards someone so much, that it makes me into a person that people don't really like. I've started acting different towards my friends, and taking this anger out on them, my true friends that mean something to me. But I don't know how to make these feelings stop. How do you stop hating someone when they have hurt you to your very core? I've tried cutting this person out of my life, but I can't do it completely, because they are tied to other people that I truely care about, people that I can't cut out.
Then there are the people that I care about, but that hurt me without ever knowing it, and I can't cut them out either. It's one of those situations where it hurts to have them be a part of my life because they unconsiously hurt me, but it hurts too much to cut them out and not have them around. It feels like I've lost a friend, who doesn't want me in his/her life anymore, but I can't just let them go.
It's a vicious, downward spiraling cycle that I can't seem to get out of. I try, but I can't stop being angry. I've become bitter, angry, and much more cynical in the last two or three months, but I try not to show that to people, because no one wants to be around someone like that. So all I do is continue to lock my feelings up inside, and build a thicker wall around my heart and my feelings, because all I've learned is that it's hard to trust people, because you never know who people really are, or whether they will only end up hurting you in the end.
1 comment:
Wow, this a powerful blog. I'll give you my advice though. You will never be happy with something as strong as hate eating at you and your heart day after day. Hate is one of the most vicious of feelings. You want so much for it to hurt that person that has wronged you but instead, it only winds up making you more miserable than ever. Don't let this happen. Not knowing the situation you are in but knowing that it involves someone else and someone that is tied with others you care about, you don't have that many options. You have to evaluate what has transpired and not just from your perspective, but the perspective of all those involved. What did the guy/girl do to upset you? What do the others that you care about like about the person that keeps them being close to both you and that person. Trying to evaluate the situation from other perspectives will help you make a decision as to what to do with this invested hate you're carrying around. Really and truly, you can only either cut out those people that are tied to the person or you can resolve those emotions and remove them from your heart. Otherwise, you will never be happy. I have no idea what that other person has done but if your friends are tied to him/her, then it couldn't have something criminal? Find a way to rid the "hate" from your heart, because I feel that in due time you will realize how strong and cruel a word hate actually is. Hate means that this person could die tonight and you would truly not care, maybe even take pleasure in it. This type of feeling will only depress you. Find a way to be happy apart from all this.
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